When is it time for marriage counseling?

By Allison Brandt

Catholic Charities of Idaho

For the ICR

Imagine you’re driving home and hear a strange noise coming from your car. You listen closely to identify the source, and if it persists, you call a mechanic. No one wants a small issue to lead to a total breakdown.

If we attend this swiftly to the needs of a machine, let’s consider how often we attend to something far more sacred and irreplaceable: our marriage. Every marriage has its occasional “clunks and squeaks.” This doesn’t always signal a crisis. Often, a quick check-in with your spouse is enough to clear up a misunderstanding and avoid the same pothole next time.

Allison Brandt

Other times, investigating a simple issue reveals deeper problems that require a third party’s guidance. While a counselor cannot “fix” a marriage, she can provide the tools to identify core issues and teach effective communication which ideally leads to a deeper connection and a stronger marriage.

Could marriage counseling help you? Here are some signs to consider:

• Feeling Stuck: Do you feel like talking more only makes things worse, yet staying silent solves nothing? Do you or your spouse frequently shut down, storm off, or leave meaningful topics unresolved?

• The “Loop”: Do the same unresolved issues surface repeatedly without progress?

• Constant Friction: Do simple, everyday conversations frequently unravel into arguments and hurt feelings?

• The Negative Script: Have you developed an internal monologue that focuses primarily on your spouse’s flaws?

• Withdrawal: Do you avoid your spouse or turn to others to process frustrations that should be shared with your partner?

• Defensiveness and Contempt: Is it difficult for you or your spouse to own up to mistakes? Do you notice blame-shifting, name-calling, mocking, or bringing up vulnerabilities to shame one another?

Note: Any threats or acts of violence are signs to seek professional help immediately.

Most of us genuinely want the best for our marriages, but we don’t always have the tools to perform the “tune-up,” on our own. If these questions about your marriage caused you concern, consider reaching out to a counselor. A brief description of your situation is usually enough for a professional to assess if counseling is recommended. Seeking help is not a sign of failure; it is a proactive step in protecting the Sacrament of Marriage.

Allison Brandt is a licensed professional counselor at Catholic Charities of Idaho. She holds a master’s degree in counseling, with a focus on marriage and family counseling, from Northwest Nazarene University. Brandt offers counseling in English and Spanish to individuals, couples, families and adolescents. In her work with couples and families, she uses Gottman therapy and a systems approach to identify communication breakdowns and develop more effective ways to communicate.